Of Manish (sister) wedding
It took a very long time and a lot of effort to write this post.It is ~3000 words and takes five pages in 12pt Times New Roman (w/o the pictures). So if you are reading it read it with a hint of seriousness. It is not a total BC post.
Sometime in February there was Manish’s Sister’s wedding (Hereafter, to conserve space it will be reffered to as Manish‘s wedding). To be precise it was in the middle of February. This post is an attempt (albeit an incompetent, incomplete and tad nincompoopish attemp) at chronicling what exactly happened. This is a rather long post but I do hope its been structured well and I haven’t forgotten the little fun things that made the trip so much fun. Hold your cursor over the pictures to get a better image. WordPress is screwing the images :((.
The factual accuracy of this post is beyond reproach. No offence meant for all Kanpurites.
Stage 1: The planning
Democracy just does not work. -Anand V
We decided we were going a long long time ago. Almost as soon as Manish announced his wedding. Now, it’s already February and we are all procrastinating. Most notable is CSB whose indecisiveness nearly led to a major catastrophe. Anyway, we finally get tickets on some train. Anand decides that we all should see Delhi and Agra as well. However, knowing full well that there was nothing much to see in Agra some of us decided to skip the Agra part. So, finally it was decided that IV, Aziz, Sriram, Anand, Monga, Sid and Tipo are going. The itinerary was that me, sid, monga go straight to delhi, and then Kanpur. The rest jump off at Agra and visit Delhi the next day and come to Kanpur one day after us.
Stage 2: The Journey
14 hours before departure: We are still wait-listed. Monga busy scaring everyone saying that we would probably be sleeping in toilets and what not. Aziz not believing that it would be cold. Aziz having extreme difficulity in packing – he is using THREE bags (suit cases) compared to everyone else’s one backpack. Anyway, we go to Sid’s house, sleep there. Next morning we are on the train – miraculously the WL’s cleared. The whole day’s journey is uneventful. Very little BC. People reading books and what not (I finished the Mahabharat).
That night however was rather interesting. For some reason – I got the worst seat of all – The side upper with a window that does not close properly. So, the whole night I am chilled to the bone wondering when it’s going to finish. At four I am like taking a stroll at Jhansi, drinking piss-poor tea, trying to keep myself warm, strongly resisting the urge to wake up the sleeping beauties – Monga, Sid. In the morning (lets say at 5) I mosey over to the other chaps where Sriram sleeping like a baby, Tipo up and ready and Aziz shivering like crazy. He greets me with “Be****ch**, bola kyun nahin itni sardi hogi”.
Stage 3.1.1: IV, Monga, Sid in Delhi
Well we reached Delhi rather late in the day. Must have been 11. We went to Sid’s cousin’s house, changed and left on sight-seeing. Went first to Qutub Minar. Had fun at the ticket counter. Sid puts down a 100 and says three please. He gets back 70 bucks in change. Just then a foreigner comes, puts down a 1000 and says, in a typical British accent, “Four please”. He gets four and no change. The three of us are staring at each other and going “What the Bloody ????”. Then we see the entry fees: Rs 10 for Indians, Rs 250 for foreigners. That sign and that foreigner made the whole Delhi thing worthwhile. Next we went roaming around Delhi, saw CP and some other stuff. Saw the red fort and blah blah blah. (I have the pics BTW). It was getting late so we decided to get moving towards Kanpur.
Stage 3.1.2: A Bus Journey
Sid was absolutely against taking regular UP transport buses. We figured there was not enough time to go into the city, find a Travel agent and get luxury buses. So we got into a rather ramshackle UP transport bus. Now, as our luck would have it we got a driver who drove as slow as the fastest snail in the 10th annual drunken snail race competition. Then at around 12 he stops at Plaza Hotel jo UP tourism dwara sthapith shuddh khane ki jagah hain. Vahan pe garama garam thali hai, anda omlet hai, samosa hai … was being played again and again on a stupid ass tape. Of course we did sample some delicious anda on bread there.
Anyway, we were on our way again. Now you would expect the Grand Trunk Road to be a national highway. Atleast two laned. Without gaddas. But you would be mistaken. The road from Delhi to Kanpur is very very bad. Early in the morning, this stupid driver (at the behest of all angry passengers pissed at him driving at 30kmph) is driving at 60. Over really deep gaddas (bumps). And I have not taken a leak in 10 hours. And each time he goes over a bump my very full bladder jumps up and down two feet. Anyway after a gruelling 14-16 hour journey, covering under 500 kilometers we arrived in Kanpur where we got stuck in a jam. Of course, we ended up making Manish wait for one hour and he was very frust00 at us.
Stage 3.1.3: The Ladies Sangeet
No description of a trip would be complete without a proper description of where we stayed. The guest house where we stayed was nice. One of Manish’s dear friends lived there (in picture on left). Me and Monga after a short nap went to the evening function. Sid was not feeling well and missed a great event. It was a Ladies Sangeet. Now, I know, you all are like, “Yo, Bitch, We don’t care about no ladies singing“. Well, this was a brilliantly conceptualized event. It had a narrator giving a short description of the groom’s family, each of whom did a skit. So the grooms brother and his wife did a skit and so on. It was very well made. It was here we met one of Manish’s ITEM friends (right – no offence intended – this is my opinion only – the author is not liable for any damages – the author names Manish liable for the same). This was a typical North Indian ITEM doing lots of OA. Anyhoo it was one of the most memorable events ever.
Stage 3.1.4: The <Some religious ceremony whose name I forget>
After the ladies sangeet it was a religious ceremony whose name I forget. Basically as the brother of the wife to be Manish had to formally accept the groom into the family or something similar. (It is highly likely that my foot is going in my mouth here so help!!). Anyway, the most fun thing that happened was when they each had to eat laddus. The groom ate the laddu given by Manish in a civilized way, nibbling and taking a few small bites. But Manish Jain made IIIT proud. He took the whole laddu (it was a VERY VERY BIG LADDU) in his mouth and ate it in one go. Of course, there was also the wardrobe malfunction (this was captured on photo but since they were all censored by Manish we have lost it). Basically what happened was that Manish’s chunni (for want of a better word) had gotten attached to his Sherwani, so when he lifted his chunni, his Sherwani came up exposing some stuff. Anyway, the picture on the right sums up the awesomeness of that day (I will not comment on what Monga is looking at).
Stage 3.1.5: The night before the wedding
Now, this part of the story is completely true. No matter how much Manish Jain denies it. You can ask his sister for confirmation. After the function, we (Mahima didi, Me, Monga and Sid) are doing BC. She asks, “Aur IV, Manish ka yeh ******** ke saath kya chakkar hai?”. (I cannot post full details here but you can pretty much guess). Manish of course does not believe this but the point to be noted is that Mahima didi ko Manish ke kaand(s) ke baare main pehle se pata tha. Anyway, we were unable to talk much at that time. At night everyone played antakshari. It was great fun. Manish ki Mausi, Dadi, cousin etc sab log the. It was one of the most fun games of antakshari ever. Sid of course was totally useless. In the middle he was giving suggestions to me like “Shall I sing a BOYS song?”. Anyway, Manish could not help it but he expressed his hidden feelings in the choice of his romantic songs.
Stage 3.2.1: A day in Agra
This is a description of Anand, Sriram, Tipo and Aziz’s trip to Agra + Delhi. After jumping of the train at Agra they took a hotel. The biggest disappointment was that Anand was unable to see the most famous “Agra ka pagalkhana“. Anyway, they saw the Taj Mahal and the Agra Fort. The journey to Delhi was fun. Since no one remembered to book tickets when they landed at Agra, they had to come from Agra to Delhi in General. All came standing, pushed around and felt up.
Stage 3.2.2: The night in Delhi
They reached Delhi sometime in the night. And here is where we can all learn a lesson from the travellings of the four iiiteers. This true to life, jackassish incident brought to you by Anand Vasudev. Anyway, what our friend does is that he asks a paanvaala, “Bhaiyya, Yahan pe koi sasta vaala hotel kahan hai?”. Our group is directed to a very shabby hotel in a very chotta galli. Aziz goes in to investigate: thinks that it is a brothel and decides correctly that they should not stay there. Finally, they stayed at Hotel WestEnd.
Stage 3.2.3: The day in Delhi and The Journey to Agra
Chill machan. -Sriram A
They roam around Delhi, taking a few snaps. Due to a slight glitch in planning, they’d been in Delhi on a Monday when all touristic places were closed. However, they did roam around Rajghat, India Gate and whatnot. Now, you’d have thought that they would have learnt to book tickets in advance. Newsflash: They Haven’t. So, they go last minute looking for tickets. Get tickets in black. They are all travelling under different names. Anand manages to pull off his duplicate very well. Tipo does so-so. Aziz imitates Ramesh Bhaiyya to perfection, in a typical Bihari voice : Haan, hain. Sriram, lacking confidence just pretends to sleep.
Stage 4: Kanpur
Kanpur Sucks. -CeG <oBelIX>
Finally the gang is assembled. There is a major debate on who goes to the bathroom for “the business” and in which order. We all pop over downstairs for breakfast. Aziz desists from having some delicious makkan-malai. Sriram as usual was the last to finish. We decide to worry about what gift to get. Now, I haven’t yet started on the atrocious place that is Kanpur. You’d expect the second biggest town in UP to be advanced. But NO. It is not. It is a myriad mess of tangas, rickshaws, cows, buffaloes, sumos, Honda CRVs, crazy cops, vegetable vendors and single-laned main roads. It is not that there is no money. People evidently are rolling in it for we saw 15 Honda CRV’s (each costs 15L). The funniest part was the stupid auto guy honking at us to go fast, us honking at the rickshaw in front, the rickshaw shouting at the tanga in front and the tanga unable to move because a flock of buffaloes had decided that the middle of the road was a convenient place for a nap.
Stage 5: The Gift
The perfect idea for a wedding gift at your best friend’s sister’s wedding: A worldspace subscription. -T. Prashant
We all went out to get a nice gift. The initial idea (mine) was to get a DVD player or some appliance that they could use. Aziz was like what if they already got that. So, we went to a gift shop. That chap showed some crystal birds that were nice, some lamp-posts that were downright ugly and some chandelier like thing that made you go what the @#$% was the designer thinking?. Monga saw a device (I say device – not GIFT – device) that made smoke come out when filled with h20. He was enthralled, enraptured by the device and extolled its virtues for the rest of the day. Anyway, Tipo then hits on the perfect idea for a gift. A worldspace subscription. Unfortunately, Kanpur has only ONE worldspace store which was plumb out of worldspace subscriptions at that time. We were running short out of time. Manish was getting frustrated: he needed the car and some manpower to do some heavy work (manpower: that left sid out 😀). So, we mosey-ed over to Kanpur’s biggest market where Sid finally managed to solve his eternal battery problems. NOTE: We are short on time and we still do NOT have a gift – but Sid solved his battery problem. We split up. Me and Tipo (Yeah, the highly successful Robotics team), Monga and Sriram, Anand, Sid and Booshi together. In 10 minutes the highly successful Robotics team has covered over 2 square miles of commercial area and found the store where we get our gift. Now, again we have a major pita in what gift. Monga saw another smoke making thing and fell in love with it. Tipo and I voted for the elegant corner stand. However the rest of the chaps decided to go with some decorative piece (we do not have a picture because of low battery).
Stage 6: The Attire
On a long trip with friends someone will run out of socks. -CeG <oBelIX>
Everyone was very confused. What do we wear?? Apparently, three people had kurta pajamas. And they were looking rather elegant. Anand, as usual with his minimalist packing style had nothing to wear. (He would have never made it without my socks). Aziz was looking flattering in a white KP. Tipo looked elegant in a red KP. Sriram looked dashing in KP of an undescribable colour. Sid, Monga and I were in formals.
Stage 7: The starters at the wedding
Chaat rocks. -CeG <oBelIX>, CeG <Butcher>
We all reached the wedding hall early to help with preparation. Immediately, we went, unloaded some stuff and sampled the starters. They were good. Then we stood outside for no reason and took photographs. (Anyone who thinks I look a tad jackassishitic in this photo will be kicked). Then, Aziz, Monga and I were incharge of ensuring the barat’s stopping place’s food was okay. The rest handled the work at the wedding hall.
Stage 8: The Barat and The dinner
The barat moves fast if the band-vala has someplace else to be. -Anand V
The barat was the fastest I ever saw. It really was. The band guy had to go someplace else. There was the customary drunk in front trying to get more money. There was the little kid sitting on top going “Mamma, mujhe neeche utaaro“. There was the groom feeling damn hot in his 10 layered specially made clothing. And there was Manish Jain in a suit. At dinner we were all on duty, ensuring that everything went smoothly. After, most of the ceremonies were over we all gathered around for a group photo – every one of us. (At this point, the author would sincerely like to apologize for the low quality of this photograph. This was due to Sid who insisted it be taken by a girl who (we later discovered) he had a crush on).
Stage 9: The ceremony
It was past one. Only Sid, Aziz, Sriram and Anand stayed for the ceremony. As far as I can tell, Aziz, Sriram and Anand were genuinely interested. According to Aziz: All Siddarth did was chat up the girl he had a crush on by asking small questions that had obvious answers. These guys returned at five in the night.
Stage 10: Kiss my ass Kanpur
Kanpur Sucks. -CeG <oBelIX>
We all left the guest-house at around 10. We stopped off at Mahima didi’s and did some BC. (Yeah, not the good kind of BC, Manish’s parents were there). Then, we all (US, Manish and Manish’s Dad) went for an early lunch. I believe this picture sums up the whole experience.
Stage 11: The journey back
The journey back was uneventful. Apart from a midnight conspiracy between me, anand and tipo. Anand boldly wanted to do what no one had done before. He wanted to trim half of Monga’s moustache. Needless to say, we persuaded him from certain death. It also ended with Me and Sid catching a slight infection and sitting out on most of felicity with a fever.
If you read till here: Thanks for sweating it out through what might have been a monotonous read. Do drop a comment.