Of food and relationship advice

by oBelIX

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. -Some proverb

The shortest way to men’s hearts is down their throats. -Some smart aleck’s comment on the above proverb.

I recently read this article on LWN.net about “What programmer’s should know about memory“. The link came from SMR’s blog, he mentioned it was a tab left opened in firefox. That article impressed me. It wasn’t the technological stuff, the bits and bytes about Northbridges, DMA and NUMA, it surprisingly was the organization of that article.

If I manage to organize the incoherent set of ideas that occurred to me while pondering over the N-P hard question of “What to eat for dinner“, half as well as that article, then I’m sure this is going to be a delightful post. On the other hand, my tendency to ramble and write sentences such as the predecessor of this sentence would undoubtedly increase the ire, frustration and dismay of the average reader.

I’m assuming that 90% of the people who read this post (10 people if my math is good) did not read the above paragraph.

I. Introduction

I believe in being brief, succinct and to the point. Random ramblings are something greatly uncharacteristic of my writing. Suffice to say, that the two “sound bits” referred to at the beginning of this post would serve as Introduction enough.

However, for the reader who wants more, this post contains ideas, advice and suggestions on how to get your relationship moving with food. I’ve given some excellent recipes that are sure to get your guy in the mood, or vice-versa.

2. Disclaimer

Astonishingly, the title of this post is highly related to the content that follows. The author is an expert on food having consumed “said food” approximately 24000 times in his existence. Also, the dishes that he mentions in this post are items that he has personally cooked.

Critics may argue that the author “sucks” at cooking, and is more like a parasite when it comes to food. After all he only consumes it. The author would like to respond to these premature, nascent criticisms with the time honoured gesture of _|||_ and say “Read Between the Lines”.

The author admits to having a slight lack of experience in the relationship area. He also admits that none of these methods have ever been tried or tested and may potentially fireback.  However, given the success of the “Relationship advice” business he would like to get his foot in the door and start making the big bucks.

The content and views expressed in this post are solely the author’s own. The author claims full rights to any royalties or monies that may be a direct / indirect consequence of this text. He also transfers the responsibility of all monies that he may have to pay as a result of “some random chaps” suing his ass over this text to T. Prashant.

3. Food and Relationships

Lets get to it people. In this post you will learn to prepare some delicious recipes, “oBelIX” style, for that special someone. Be warned, these recipes could (hey!! it could happen) lead to very desirable consequences [!!wink!!, !!wink!!]. I’ve added lots of pictures to help those who may have difficulty identifying the products listed here. [read – booshi].

3.1 Paneer Butter Masala

This recipe is a traditional favorite. No text on relationships, food and the like would be complete without it.

Ingredients

Paneer
Butter
Masala

Recipe

(a) Cut paneer into small pieces as shown in figure.

(b) Melt butter in pan. For the calorie-counters, please remember that butter is an essential ingredient to this dish. Also, butter has several nutritional properties that have not yet been discovered. Apart from other things, it is known that eating a little butter everyday makes you healthy, wealthy and wise.

(c) Put Masala in pan. Now, if you put too much masala you might end up making your “target” look like this after he has ingested 2 spoons of the dish.

 

(d) Add cut pieces of paneer to the pan

(e) Go watch an episode of scrubs while the dish is being prepared. Remember to check on the dish every so often. Author’s Tip: For ease, just check on the dish everytime JD daydreams

(f) At the end of the episode, just take the delicious dish that you’ve prepared and serve hot.

3.2 Maggi

This dish is exceedingly simple to make. It takes minimal time (it is rumored that Japanese samurai used to make it in two minutes). It is infact the most bang for the buck (if you know what I mean), food wise.

Ingredients

Maggi
Water

Recipe

(a) Put water in pan

(b) Put maggi in water.

(c) Set the stove to maximum.

(d) Stir.

(e) The dish is done when the noodles are getting stuck to the pan, or there is a slight burning smell.

(f) Serve hot or cold.

3.3 Curd Rice

This south Indian dish is an all time favorite. Current scientific research indicates that curd is a very strong aphrodisiac. Infact, it its aphrodisiacal strength is estimated to be so high, that it counterbalances the fact that the rice isn’t doing anything to be helping. It is also the simplest of the three recipes to cook.

Ingredients

Curd / Dahi
Rice

Recipe

(a) Cook the rice

(b) Mix with curd

(c) Eat

4. Conclusion

There exists no super-weapon. No shortcut to hard work. Relationships are hard work [or so they say in every damn TV show]. The methods outlined here will work in general, with the following exceptions: 

(a) People like Halley, will consume all this food that you may prepare and still want more.

(b) People like Baba, will eat the food and then promptly go running.

(c) People like Tipo, will eat the food while watching some TV show (such as Family Guy) and ignore you for a long time.

(d) People like ASR will eat the food and then fall asleep.

(e) People like Wooster will ignore the food, look for the nearest source of booze, cigs and guitar and get high.

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PS: Did you like this?

PS1: Did I say that facebook rocks.

PS2: Will write a review of all restaurants in the kondapur area. Have tried a lot of them now.

PS3: Life is not quite so bad. Infact it’s pretty good :D.

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