Mangoes for Dummies
by oBelIX
Mangoes belong to the genus Mangifera. They are the rotund-ish, tasty-ish fruit that you get in summer. If you don’t know what a Mango is and the above description does not get an image into your head then this post is not for you.
What this post is, is a guide to the end-to-end experience of the art of potating Mangoes. This post is meant for those who are roughing it our [so to speak], and not for those who get two mangoes a day, cut into beautiful pieces for consumption by their mothers/wifes/girlfriends [I’d like a girlfriend who cuts mangoes for me :p].
Some of you must be thinking, what could possibly be so hard that someone on the internet posted a guide on the art of Mango potation. Well, let me enumerate:
- Choosing the correct type of mango to buy is a science
- Carving a mango for consumption is an art. If done with a touch of skill it will enhance the pleasure of Mango potation tenfold.
- If you do not know the proper techniques for potation or carving then you could end up getting a lot of juice on your shirt.
- Incorrect carving can be dangerous to your health. You could end up stabbing yourself. Or Worse.
The first and most important thing to remember is:
Mango Procurement
Picking the correct type of Mango to eat is the first and one of the most important steps. You want to buy a mango that is a beautiful shade of yelrange, a mixture of yellow and orange. Your mango should not be green. Green mangos are a strict no-no. Your mango should also not be red. Other colours such as purple, wheat, fuschia, turquoise, while pretty to look at are not indicators of good mangoes. [Ed: The author is quite aware that fuschia probably looks like something else and will gladly point this post on the path of fuschia-correctness if there are 8 comments complaining of this]
The other trick is picking the Mango with the right amount of surface tension. You don’t want your mango to be as soft as the family pack surrounding your abs. You also don’t want a mango that is harder than the proverbial hard-place found just next to a rock. The correct method to determine the surface tension of a mango is to take your index finger and poke the mango. If while poking, there is gooey juice on your finger it means that you are poking too hard. This would be an appropriate time to walk away whistling nonchalantly.
Carving the Mango
You want to be very careful while carving a mango. A well carved mango will increase the eating pleasure. Making a mess of this can not only ruin the experience but in extreme cases lead to death. The first thing you need to do is get a knife. [Ed: to appease the crowd who loves pointless pictures in a post I attach the 100% accurate rendition of a knife below.]
The correct way to grip the knife is by holding the yellow end in your palm. Or to put it another way, if while holding the knife you feel a tingling sensation in your palm and see a red coloured fluid oozing out then you are holding it the wrong way.
Carving the mango, is an art, it will take a minute to learn and a lifetime to master. For the best results, you should watch your mom cut a mango a couple of times.
Mango juice on your shirt
Anyway, when carving, be careful not to apply too much force. Too much force will result in mango juice on your shirt. And you don’t want mango juice on your shirt. Because once you have mango juice on your shirt you will need to wash the shirt. If you don’t wash your shirt which has mango juice on it then you are going to end up with people saying “Look, fruity boy has arrived” when you step into a meeting. [Ed: This has not happened to the author personally ]
Once the mango has been procured and carved eat it, enjoy and make a contribution to the “Find Zaza Mission” by referring a girl to this blog 🙂
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PS: Halley gaaru blog chesaadu
PPS: The hindi-telugu translation provided by pamar
my blog 
absolutely entertaining! pulp fiction 😛
with more and more I read, more and more I smiles, got closer and closer to the screen and it was then “I swear by Jesus fking Christ” that a smell that sweet that summery reached by nose, FAAAAAAAAAAKKKK I just cut my nose with that knife …….
naice … keep writing, I will award you the best blogger of IIIT very soon by writing a post abt it …
bleh!
awesssome!
mango mania
@skp u and post? rofl !! 😛
A pathetic attempt at being funny. your earlier posts were better.
boy oh boy.. I was under impression that you have some hidden meaning here.
I really thought that you were trying to tell us how to undress a chick and then rape her.
heights of joblessness …
ROFL!! ROFL!! ^:)^ Bow to thee O! God of Joblessness 😀
@sreejith, @_skp, @divyendu tks. @_skp aap post to karo
@unAmused Observer – perhaps a non-anonymous comment :). chicken chicken ??
@beegle – kya mentality hai saale 🙂
@sid, @himank – its not joblessness as long as it is spreading ngyagnam
aah.. i see that u r definitely bored now.. neways.. u cud actually add some of the recipes we make with mangoes.. like u know, mango shake, or, some combiantions, like mango shake with chapatis.. 😛
saale tum wahan aam kha rahe ho aur main yahan fraud Makku mangoes dekh dekh kar galiyan de raha hoon
“family pack surrounding your abs” …. still laughing at this one …
At the outset, I found your article on the carving of mangoes extremely insightful. However, I feel you should elucidate on the actual process of chopping the mango itself a little more – I am terrible at it, I wield a shaky knife and it invariably results in odd-looking mangled pieces of the fruit which are terrible to behold, though they still taste as sweet.
I have tried to learn by observing my mother’s superior knifing abilities, but my powers of retention are -as Scar says – as wet as a warthog’s backside. Please help. How will I find true love if I can’t even cut a mango properly?
wooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!
way to go obby ! *clap clap* !! nice post 😛
I too feel like Wooster(is it Karthik?) that you should elucidate on the process of knifing(word ‘knifing’ is better than ‘chopping’) the mango.
Last time I did that, I ended up with mango pulp on my ass as I had sat on the raped mango. You also didn’t mention the hazards of becoming a ‘shitty pants’. Though overall I feel the article extremely helpful.
@sukesh – wooster = arun balak
Fuchsia objection. Refer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuchsia_(color)
Fuchsia objection.
Please refer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuchsia_(color) Get your colours right.
lol!.
hmm …. “aamsutra by aaaaaeeeeiveeeeee” would make a better title 😀 ….
refer the seinfeld episode – mango….the fruit also increases se% dr*$%
i can understand why you would like a girl to cut mangoes for you 😀
Made me remember the kindergarten poem that ended with …
“…Aam phalon ka raja hain “
one more attribute of a sweet mango is it smells sweet. Make sure no one notices when u r smelling it
anyways … good post !
I am reminded of a Bachi Karkaria article called “The aam aadmi eats” 🙂
humor at its best since its innovative and we all can deeply feel the love for it ..
I can all the more living in a country where a mango cost Rs 75 , well it comes to a pound really pennies here , just goes to show the love felt for the mango !!
rocking post!
waiting for a similar discourses on oranges, watermelons, apples etc etc … 😛
beep beep beep…fuschia!!
maybe offering mango carving rather than demanding it would help in the girl lookout 🙂 😛
Why not write a sequel ..
Mangoes for Mummies .. How to handle pesky kids who have a craving for mangoes
But you arent a mummy are you .. hmm .. what are you then ? .. Scorpion king ???
Well, I’ve a feeling that Wooster, Bertie, Slash and Marvin are the same person. Is that so? because all of them sound very Fuchsia! you know, someone who had this fancy box of colour pencils, consisting of various shades of purple and pink including Fuchsia when they were young and someone, who is very particular about using the right colours and words.
We are very committed to ensuring that erroneous information isn’t perpetrated over the internet. We have in mind the countless millions who read this wonderful blog and sub-consciously assume that Fuchsia is the colour the author claims it to be, rather than what it actually is – which can be found on our website.
i dont know if my sense of humour is just plain lame but i laughed all through that post! 😀 😀
thanks, i needed a stress buster today
This is often a really good website. I have already been back more than once within the last week and want to join your feed using Google but can’t learn the way to do it exactly. Would you know of any guides?