Mangoes for Dummies

by oBelIX

Mangoes belong to the genus Mangifera. They are the rotund-ish, tasty-ish fruit that you get in summer. If you don’t know what a Mango is and the above description does not get an image into your head then this post is not for you.

What this post is, is a guide to the end-to-end experience of the art of potating Mangoes. This post is meant for those who are roughing it our [so to speak], and not for those who get two mangoes a day, cut into beautiful pieces for consumption by their mothers/wifes/girlfriends [I’d like a girlfriend who cuts mangoes for me :p].

Some of you must be thinking, what could possibly be so hard that someone on the internet posted a guide on the art of Mango potation. Well, let me enumerate:

  1. Choosing the correct type of mango to buy is a science
  2. Carving a mango for consumption is an art. If done with a touch of skill it will enhance the pleasure of Mango potation tenfold.
  3. If you do not know the proper techniques for potation or carving then you could end up getting a lot of juice on your shirt.
  4. Incorrect carving can be dangerous to your health. You could end up stabbing yourself. Or Worse.

The first and most important thing to remember is:


Mango Procurement
Picking the correct type of Mango to eat is the first and one of the most important steps. You want to buy a mango that is a beautiful shade of yelrange, a mixture of yellow and orange. Your mango should not be green. Green mangos are a strict no-no. Your mango should also not be red. Other colours such as purple, wheat, fuschia, turquoise, while pretty to look at are not indicators of good mangoes. [Ed: The author is quite aware that fuschia probably looks like something else and will gladly point this post on the path of fuschia-correctness if there are 8 comments complaining of this]

The other trick is picking the Mango with the right amount of surface tension. You don’t want your mango to be as soft as the family pack surrounding your abs. You also don’t want a mango that is harder than the proverbial hard-place found just next to a rock. The correct method to determine the surface tension of a mango is to take your index finger and poke the mango. If while poking, there is gooey juice on your finger it means that you are poking too hard. This would be an appropriate time to walk away whistling nonchalantly.

Carving the Mango
You want to be very careful while carving a mango. A well carved mango will increase the eating pleasure. Making a mess of this can not only ruin the experience but in extreme cases lead to death. The first thing you need to do is get a knife. [Ed: to appease the crowd who loves pointless pictures in a post I attach the 100% accurate rendition of a knife below.]

knifeThe correct way to grip the knife is by holding the yellow end in your palm. Or to put it another way, if while holding the knife you feel a tingling sensation in your palm and see a red coloured fluid oozing out then you are holding it the wrong way. 

Carving the mango, is an art, it will take a minute to learn and a lifetime to master. For the best results, you should watch your mom cut a mango a couple of times.

Mango juice on your shirt
Anyway, when carving, be careful not to apply too much force. Too much force will result in mango juice on your shirt. And you don’t want mango juice on your shirt. Because once you have mango juice on your shirt you will need to wash the shirt. If you don’t wash your shirt which has mango juice on it then you are going to end up with people saying “Look, fruity boy has arrived” when you step into a meeting. [Ed: This has not happened to the author personally ]

Once the mango has been procured and carved eat it, enjoy and make a contribution to the “Find Zaza Mission” by referring a girl to this blog 🙂


PS: Halley gaaru blog chesaadu

PPS: The hindi-telugu translation provided by pamar